Of COURSE!

Apparently what happens when you type 'epiphany face' into Google images

The combination of loneliness and lack of self-satisfaction and other esteem-depriving feats has started to make me... Not great. Inevitable. Not really, but you know.

I'm having serious issues with my summer thus far, and a lot of that seems to be stemming from making things  almost 24/7 and then having to switch to working full time. I am able to make things, but it's not the same, and I'm not in an area where materials are readily available. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to sort through all of the materials and supplies that I have. Issues. Contributing to my personal issues are things like inferiority complexes, and not being in a large enough group of different people. I really miss art school. A huge reason being I miss being in classes and working with others and having critiques. Sure, I don't necessarily have outside of school friends, but I didn't care, because it was enough of a balance to keep me relatively sane, while giving me time to myself at home. Now I am living at home-home, and I work almost every day. I love my job, and I like living at home (for shorter periods, now that I'm twenty and crave independence, which my parents thankfully give me), but it's too much of a shift. I don't know why, and it's driving me insane. It makes me all avoid-y and I can't function properly and it's not good...

I need a way to make my routine and life me-friendly again. I'd like to be able to break away from feeling lonely and unaccomplished and everything.

Now, comes the fun part. I had an epiphany. It's not actually loneliness that bothers me, because I'm not actually lonely. My issue is lack of immediate gratification. I do receive gratification, but it's not necessarily the same kind. It's not 'Whoa, you made something amazing' or '...Tha.. Is that real??' or anything. It's more 'Oh good, you did this.'

I realize that I'm ranting yet again. That is one of the reasons why I created this blog. It is kind of an outlet for me, even if it makes me less productive. Apparently I'm just in desperate need of creating art and having a reason to do it. Unfortunately and fortunately, all of the projects I could be working on are collaborative. Apparently I don't play well with others, and the thing is... I'm not sure that I want to. Sure, it's good for a person to go outside of their comfort zone. Yet, at the same time, it just makes me gnaw at the bit, stamp my feet, and feel like a caged animal without anything to do except eat and sleep and feel sick.

Now that I've had the a-fore mentioned epiphany, it's a matter of making myself productive. I should start embroidering again. The embroidery-a-day project was good for me.