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Hunting in the deep dark woods and further creative ventures

6.07.2012

Of COURSE!

Apparently what happens when you type 'epiphany face' into Google images
The combination of loneliness and lack of self-satisfaction and other esteem-depriving feats has started to make me... Not great. Inevitable. Not really, but you know.

I'm having serious issues with my summer thus far, and a lot of that seems to be stemming from making things  almost 24/7 and then having to switch to working full time. I am able to make things, but it's not the same, and I'm not in an area where materials are readily available. Not to mention the fact that I haven't been able to sort through all of the materials and supplies that I have. Issues. Contributing to my personal issues are things like inferiority complexes, and not being in a large enough group of different people. I really miss art school. A huge reason being I miss being in classes and working with others and having critiques. Sure, I don't necessarily have outside of school friends, but I didn't care, because it was enough of a balance to keep me relatively sane, while giving me time to myself at home. Now I am living at home-home, and I work almost every day. I love my job, and I like living at home (for shorter periods, now that I'm twenty and crave independence, which my parents thankfully give me), but it's too much of a shift. I don't know why, and it's driving me insane. It makes me all avoid-y and I can't function properly and it's not good...

I need a way to make my routine and life me-friendly again. I'd like to be able to break away from feeling lonely and unaccomplished and everything.

Now, comes the fun part. I had an epiphany. It's not actually loneliness that bothers me, because I'm not actually lonely. My issue is lack of immediate gratification. I do receive gratification, but it's not necessarily the same kind. It's not 'Whoa, you made something amazing' or '...Tha.. Is that real??' or anything. It's more 'Oh good, you did this.'

I realize that I'm ranting yet again. That is one of the reasons why I created this blog. It is kind of an outlet for me, even if it makes me less productive. Apparently I'm just in desperate need of creating art and having a reason to do it. Unfortunately and fortunately, all of the projects I could be working on are collaborative. Apparently I don't play well with others, and the thing is... I'm not sure that I want to. Sure, it's good for a person to go outside of their comfort zone. Yet, at the same time, it just makes me gnaw at the bit, stamp my feet, and feel like a caged animal without anything to do except eat and sleep and feel sick.

Now that I've had the a-fore mentioned epiphany, it's a matter of making myself productive. I should start embroidering again. The embroidery-a-day project was good for me.

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