Okay, so this is a bit of a side note and out of nowhere and unrelated to anything, but I decided that I'm going to talk about my feelings and wishes for the New Year, specifically for when I turn 21 in April. The age of twenty-one seems like a huge age. I have no idea why, but I feel like I should reform myself and how I live my life when I turn that age. It's not because of the Legal In All States thing or anything. It's just that time when it's far enough from being a teenager and close enough to really beginning my life after university that more should happen, and that I should really consider what I want to do and who I want to be. Normally, I wouldn't write a birthday wish list before Christmas (or in general), but this is mostly a note to myself. Recently, I keep looking at my life and purely loving some aspects, but I really feel like other aspects are missing, and that I'm not fulfilling myself or my own wishes. It's kind of like a weird sense of disconnect from myself based on my own decisions. Weird, right? Or is it?
I just keep thinking about growing up and what it is I want to grow into or grow out of. I'm not sure if it's nothing, or if it's everything. I keep thinking about what I could be, but the things I'm not because I or other people get in the way. 'Get in the way' sounds negative... I don't think that that's what it is, but do you know what I mean? The constant ebbing theory that if you were alone with the ability to decide when you wanted to have people to socialize with, you would get more things done, and more of what you wanted to do. More of what you felt you needed to do in order to achieve a sense of satisfaction. I'm come to loathe things like Facebook purely because it's a source of my loneliness. I constantly go back to it, in hope that there will be a small pat on the head through a notification or someone I can talk to. I do this despite the fact I know that I don't want to talk to anyone or be on the computer to begin with. It's just a small hope that it will make me feel like I have companionship. My first wish is that I'll stop being so dependent on the imaginary technological idea of people, and accept my solitude as solace, just as I used to.
My second wish is that the day I turn 21 will actually feel like something, or seem like it means something. When I think of 'meaning something', my mind reverts to movies like Pretty In Pink or The Breakfast Club. John Hughes films. There's a subtle uncomplicated complexity to them, and something that says 'yes, you're growing up, but you're growing up into something unbelievably important'. I'm shy, and quiet, and an introvert, and all of these things that lead to me feeling less important than other people who are loud and extroverted and such. I can't express myself, and because of that, I often do feel undervalued, even by those who claim that I am important to them. I don't really believe them. In the context of birthdays, I'm pretty sure that if it wasn't for Facebook and its updates, no one would know it was any notable day in my life. That's one reason why I feel depressed on my birthday- it's all of these birthday wishes from people who never even talk to me. I'm guilty of it, too, in relation to other people, but I only wish happy birthday to people whom I don't get the chance to talk to, or I wish I could talk to them, but there's never a reason to, or I feel like I'm being invasive in an attempt to do so. I guess this brings me to my third wish for growing up (or whatever this is). I want to stop being so neurotic about everything. I want to keep calm and carry on.
The weird thing is, this whole rant came from the image that's at the top of the page. I found it on Pinterest, and they are Birthday Pancakes. I couldn't find a recipe for them, but I didn't even look. Have you ever had those desires that are for something so small but you want it so badly? It's not a craving, or a passing interest, but something that feels like it defines a moment in your life? For some reason, the image of a cake-like food made to resemble pancakes just... I don't know why, but right now it makes me want to cry. It's like a weird lust after something that is the only thing I would want for my birthday, and in no realistic way will I get it, unless I make it myself. I'm fine with making things myself... The only thing is this is a reminder of the fact that the people close to me and within the same city are often full of empty promises. The promise of something like birthday pancakes that have rainbow sprinkles, but a promise so fleeting that it will never happen. How can something like a photograph of an original cake pancake hybrid cause me to feel so weird in the place of my life, and cause me to look at how I'm living my life and who I want to be in about five months?
Of course, most "wishes" are things that only I can grant myself. Sometimes I just need to discuss these things to a universal entity, because I don't talk about these things to others. Y'know, other people who might actually discuss it with me, and offer suggestions to solve these things that might be viewed as problems. Or not. Maybe I just over think and under act. Alternatively, perhaps I don't think about these things enough, or at all, or it's the fact that I don't discuss them that's the problem.